Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Thinking Back

As Kacey nears the 3 year mark with diabetes, I've really been thinking back. Because of the blog drama that I had, I was forced to sift back through posts over the last 3 years (to make sure I didn't mention any school staff by name or in any insulting way...ugh!). It forced me to read back through the challenges, the joy and the painful days. So much has happened in nearly 3 years and we've come so far....emotionally and with technology. Those early days were the most painful. I was lost. I was sad. I was scared. Kacey's 3 year D-anniversary comes in July but it was this time 3 years ago that those warning signs and red flashing lights were going off. I got the little local paper in the mail that tells the new upcoming sports sign-ups through our local Parks & Rec. As I sifted through the pages, it brought back even more memories. Kacey was signed up for softball before diagnosis. Those practices seemed to wear on her. She was tired. She was thirsty. She was hungry. She was cranky. She'd get hot and sweaty. She couldn't make it through a practice or a game without having to go to the bathroom. Her body was starting it's journey of shutting down. And....we never knew it! Yeah, you're thinking HOW can you neglect all those red flags, right? Well they all didn't happen at one time. When you have a chunky child, you expect her to be tired after running around for over an hour. When your child drinks 32oz of Gatorade, you expect her to have to pee during the game. When it's 90*-100*F outside, you expect your child to drink alot. When you're child spent over and hour running around, you expect her to be hungry, tired, hot and cranky. All these things made sense to us so they really weren't red flags until she was diagnosed. There are times I feel guilty for not seeing them before then but then when I look back, it all made sense to me. How could I know? I couldn't!  It wasn't until she started wetting the bed and throwing up....2 things that I KNEW weren't right. Two things that couldn't be explained away. She was sick. We just didn't know HOW sick until it was almost too late.

As we moved forward, those memories of those days were locked away into a file in my brain labeled "SENSITIVE SUBJECTS". I tried not to bring that file out but then there were certain things that would pull that file out and slam it down on my brain table like a mad attorney. REMEMBER! REMEMBER THE PAIN! REMEMBER THOSE DAYS! Those days helped make me who I am. Those days were sad, lonely and painful but they molded me into a better parent. A parent that doesn't take one single day for granted. I fight for my children. I fight for what I believe in with them. I fight for what I know is right and for their best interest. When you're faced with having a child with a chronic illness, your days become more meaningful. You stop and smell those flowers. You enjoy those family times. You take LOTS of pictures, pictures of some of the silliest things but you capture every possible memory you can.

In a way, I'm glad I was forced to read back through every single blog post from the last 3 years. I watched myself grow into a strong mother. I still plan to have these blog posts put into a book form for Kacey to read years later.

As I move forward, I have so much to look forward to...the first thing being....20 days of school left!!!! HA! :) I'll be sooooo happy when this year is OVER!

To everyone out there participating in D-Blog Week...YOU ARE AMAZING!! Sadly I'm not at a point that I could commit to it but I'm slowly but surely getting back to myself. Give me...uhmmm....say 20 days ;) LOL! Love to you all!!! <3


Christy said...

I know what you mean about Rembering. It is what makes us appreciate what we have all the more. My blog is a similar thing for me, a place to remember. I, too am working on a book and I started my blog after my second child was diagnosed because I was afraid I would forget some of the feelings as time goes by. You are doing a great job. Blessings to you and your sweeties.
Christy of My 2 Sweet Babies

Misty said...

Even reading about the days leading up to your family's diagnosis is a sensitive subject for me too. It's all too familiar. But I totally agree that this stinking dx has made me appreciate every single day with my girls.