How Will You Be Remembered?

(**warning** This post involves DEATH and DYING so if you don't want to read about that right now then click the red X in the top right corner of your page....Thank You!)

Since hearing the news about Shamae on Sunday night, I've almost a whole week to reflect and allow things to sink in. Our online group of D-Moms is such a tight knit community and many of us have never even met. Just the impact of words....daily words of encouragement...daily words to cheer you up and let you know you're not alone...it really got me thinking.

How Will You Be Remembered?

If you were to die tomorrow...or tonight even...what would people say about you? What would be written in your obituary?

Would you be remembered as the bright light? The complainer? The optimist? The smiler? The hard worker? The great mom? The great dad? The giver? The taker? The church goer? The leader? The shy one? The outgoing one? Will they say you were a good person? A bad person? Did you matter in their life? Did you make a difference? Did you care? Were you supportive?

Did you leave a legacy?

It's something we all don't want to think about....DEATH. But it's a reality that all of us will face, one day, we WILL die. Some of us sooner than others, some before their children and some after their children. It's something that we tend to stay hushed about but we really should be talking about.

If you could write your own obituary, what would it say?

I ran across an interesting video that is well worth watching! PLEASE Take the time to watch it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zgiixRwn6xU

Are you REALLY thinking yet? Yep! That video did the same thing to me!

I've watched the outpour of love from our online community over the last few days. I've read all the stories shared about Shamae and one thing became very clear....she was a light in our community and she was an uplifter of support. Every single one of us can say, she commented and supported us. She was involved in many of our lives, yet many of us never met her face to face. She loved her girls and Loren but she also loved us. The pictures she shared with us on her blog and Facebook showed nothing but happiness. Sure, we all have our bad days but I can't ever remember her saying a cross word about anyone.

When we die, all our loved ones are left with are memories. Are you creating those memories?

Are you prepared to die tonight? Have you made those amends and said the things you want to say? Are you living today as it was your last? You may not be given the chance to wake up the next morning. You may not make it through the drive home this afternoon. Are you ready for your family to face those things? Have you talked to them about death, your wishes and how you want things played out?

So many questions have swirled around my head and it's a huge elephant in the room that I try to avoid. I don't like talking about death but if it happens, then I want my family prepared. I don't want people to be sad...after all, getting to Heaven is a celebration and everyone should be happy. The only reason they should be sad is because they couldn't go to the glorious celebration with me.

Yeah I know, this post is a downer but I've just had so many thing swirling through my head. You don't have to be old to die. It does happen and it WILL happen. We just wait for our time but we need to be sure we're leaving a legacy.

Over the next few weeks, I want to sit down with my husband and plan things out for our funerals. It's something we haven't done in writing and I want to make sure several things are very clear in the planning. I'd also like to write letters to my children. My wishes, my hopes and my dreams for them. Something they will have to cherish...in my own writing and my own words...not just what others tell them. Just so many things that I need to get lined up so they aren't left with everything to decide on their own.

Sorry for the depressing post!

Fieldtrip Fun

In our 504 Plan, it's stated "A parent will attend EVERY fieldtrip with Kacey". At first the school bucked me on this. Why do you have to attend? We can send the nurse with her. She should be okay for the few hours she is away. NOPE! I WILL attend and I WILL care for her while she is on the trip. Sometimes they would tell me that if I was going then I could just be a chaperone or I had to ride the bus. No problem! I will go under those conditions. BUT....one place I will NOT chaperone is an amusement park. I made the mistake of doing that last year and because I was a chaperone I had to ride the bus and because I had to ride the bus then when Kacey's blood sugars went wonky that meant we had to sit somewhere and we couldn't just go home. It made a long day for her. As I thought about the whole "chaperone" thing, it made me think a little more about actually taking on that position. What if something happened to Kacey and I was a chaperone? I am responsible for an entire group of children that I now had to find someone else to care for. Is that safe? Not at a theme park! Our school lets these kids (6th, 7th and 8th grade) go off on their own and reposrt back to a chaperone at a certain time and location. Each "group" has a cell phone and they are to call if they will be late. The "group" then splits and these kids must be in pairs but I'm not crazy about this idea! Anything can happen! So I chose not to chaperone and I explained that Kacey would ride to the theme park with me in my vehicle and we would mingle with her groups of friends and when she was ready to leave then we would leave and that way if something happend to her blood sugars then I was solely responsible for just her and I could tend to her without added worry. Seems perfect, right? And then THIS happened within ONE HOUR of being in the park.....

 





 

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! Check with meter revealed....

 

Yep! I'd say she was LOW! Crap! I had my backpack full of snacks and our cups to get filled with drink. As I reached into my backpack, panic set in! I had glucose tabs with me but NO quick sticks and NO juice boxes. OMGGGGGGG! Really?!?! GLUCOSE TABS?!?! Since Kacey got her braces, she can no longer chomp down on glucose tabs. What the heck do I do? We had just gotten off the Tea Cups (kinda like a scrambler but inside a tea cup that spins) and we are sitting on a bench and she says, "I feel like jello!" My eyes scan the little kiosks and I spot a Dippin Dots stand with a cooler of PowerAde. "Kacey, I know you HATE the taste of PowerAde but right now you have no choice but to chug it and I promise we will follow it with something yummy." So, with the blood sugar of 58 and falling, I help her stand and walk her over to the kiosk. "Can I please have a blue PowerAde? Her blood sugar is low. Here is $5!" The young girl hands me the bottle and I turn to tend to Kacey. She's standing there just looking at me as I urge Kacey to chug the whole bottle. As I turn to look at her she says "Do you have a seasons pass?" LOL! Poor girl! She was waiting to ring me up to save me 10%. Geesh...$3.50 for a PowerAde is highway robbery anyway! We sit and wait for her to come up as she nibbles the goldfish that I gave her. "Mommy, my tummy feels too sick now to eat something yummy." ***sigh***  My heart breaks for her as her friends are off having fun and not having a care in the world and here she sits with a stupid low. She can't be a normal kid. Diabetes is always there. AND.....to think.....what if I wasn't on the fieldtrip? What if she was off in one of those pairs of kids? Who would care for her? How would the other child run for help? Just another validation as to WHY I go on every single fieldtrip and I don't hand over the responsiblilty to anyone else to keep my child alive. She is my child, she is my responsibility and I will gladly go on every fieldtrip.

For those that don't understand WHY I need to go....this should clear it up! Imagine your child being on a theme park ride, getting off and collapsing from a illness. Diabetes doesn't sleep. Diabetes doesn't always play nice. THIS is why we need a cure and THIS is why we advocate. When your healthy child is off having fun and riding those roller coasters, we are sitting on a bench treating a blood sugar and trying to keep Kacey safe enough to even ride those rides.

Yeah.....Diabetes....YOU SUCK!



In Loving Memory of Shamae

Shock...Disbelief...Tears
I've been a complete jumbled mess since I found out about Shamae's passing on Sunday night. I've had a hard time finding the words and this all seems like a big blur.

I didn't see all of the posts until we got home from our trip to Busch Gardens. It was about 11pm and as I sat down and begain to scroll through my newsfeed, I scanned over posts like usual...reading the important posts and scanning over the other junk of complaints. And then....the photo of the three girls...a post about the passing of Shamae. I read it....I reread it....and REREAD it! It can't be true! Someone must be talking about a friend of Shamae's....NOT Shamae! As I sat there with my mouth open, my husband was asking me to move so he could fold the covers down. I never heard him. I was zoned out....trying to register what I was reading over and over. He then yelled at me, "Jill, MOVE!" I looked up at him and the look on my face must have been bad because he came over to my side of the bed and asked me what was wrong? I handed him my phone and the tears came out of nowhere. It had sunk it and registered. It was Shamae, not a friend of hers, not a stranger...really HER! He read over the post and all I could do was sob uncontrollably. Those three girls! Her poor husband! I didn't know any details about what happened, only that she had gone to sleep and didn't wake up. But the devestation that was rocking our community was ever so present on Facebook.

I first met Shamae through my blog. She had commented to several posts of mine and although there was an age difference between our girls, they still had a connection....Type 1 Diabetes. Syd was diagnosed a few months before Kacey so we were going through those same emotions together. I would email her with problems and she would email me back. Emails became texts and texts became phone calls. We became cheerleaders for one another! Celebrating the good days and crying for the bad days. Syd and Kacey began emailing funny videos back and forth. Words of encouragement and "You're doing a great job!" filled the videos. A friendship was formed and we have diabetes to thank. Being on opposite sides of the US made it difficult for us to meet in person but we felt as if we'd known one another forever.

Today, we honor Shamae Lyon.
A sweet soul and a forever friend
Taken too soon
Leaving behind three sweet little girls....Sydney, Morgan and Hadlee
Leaving behind a loving husband....Loren

My prayers for the girls....may you always know how much your Mommy loved you. You were her world. You were her light in the dark. She revolved around all three of you. As you get older, may you all three become the loving, caring, social, compassionate woman your Mommy was. She could make someone's day with a simple post or comment. She knew how to cheer someone on when she knew they were down and out and she joined in the cheers when she knew someone was having a great day. She was an advocate and her devotion to making sure those around her were clearly educated about diabetes was infectious. It made us want to be better advocates and better mothers. May you each grow up to live healthy lives and I pray your Daddy will keep us updated with pictures as much as your Mommy did. Much love to all three of you! ((((HUGS)))

Loren...your wife was simply AMAZING! But then again, you already knew that! My prayer is that you find comfort and peace as you move forward without her. The days ahead will be tough. The days ahead will be dark. But I hope you find light and peace as you are flooded with all of the memories of her. She will be dearly missed in our Diabetes Community.

What did I learn from Shamae? If there is one thing I learned it's....TAKE MORE SELF PICTURES!
I don't take enough pictures of myself. Mostly because I am always behind the camera and because I always feel "fat" in pictures. But as I looked back over Shamae's posts and her Facebook, it's all SMILING pics of her and family & friends. She was ALWAYS smiling...even in pics when she is sick and a black eye. SMILE....thats what we all need to do more. When we leave this Earth, we have the memories that we've captured in our hearts but having the concrete photos to look back on are PRICELESS!

Shamae...my beautiful friend...may you soar with the angels! May you watch over those beautiful girls as they grow into lovely women. May you comfort your husband from above and show him your presence. May you rest in sweet peace!

WITH MUCH LOVE,

Who Cares?

What do you do when you have so much to say and no place to say it?

My head is a whirlwind and I've got feelings I need to pour out and I've thought about making my blog private to put everything I want to say out there. I've thought about starting a new blog so I can say what I want without certain people having access to what I say but since I know this blog is "closely monitored" by certain people then I will have to keep my thought to myself this time. I'm stupid for ever sharing this blog on my Facebook or ever mentioning that I write to vent. Ever since the drama that happened with it, I've never felt like I could share what I really want to say....those raw feelings we all have as Moms, Wives, Sisters and Friends. Why do I care what anyone thinks? Why should I worry that what I say would cause a war amoung friends and family? Because I'm me....thats why! I try and keep as much peace as I can before blowing and this bottle is ready to burst.

Diabetes....a life we didn't choose but a life we were given. It's a life that NO ONE can completely understand unless you are faced with it. It's a life that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. The daily footsteps we make in this life are sometimes the most difficult to walk with those who just "don't get it"! It infuriates me when someone judges me based on a Facebook post or based on something told to them. "Oh, it's just diabetes! It's not like your child has cancer and is facing death." Ummmm....my child faces death straight in the eyes EVERY SINGLE DAY! I still hold my breath as I walk from my room to hers at 2am to do those middle of the night checks. I still hold my breath when I walk from my room to hers when I wake her up in the morning. Why do I hold my breath? Because I'm so freaking scared to death that I am going to be the one to find my child dead one morning. Because I'm the one who is scared that her pump is going to malfunction and not give her the insulin she needs to survive the night or that it might burst and give her too much insulin that could potentially kill her. YES, friends....IT SCARES THE HOLY HECK OUT OF ME! I worry...ALL THE TIME! This person doesn't have to worry about their kids. You child may have had a surgery or two, and when that surgery is over then your child is well again. A surgery won't make my child better. Nothing but a CURE will! So yes, it IS like she is facing cancer!  She DOES face death. One wrong move and her life could slip away in a single instant. It's so hard to get some people to understand why you're so overprotective and why you've become a helicopter parent. I am the one that keeps her ALIVE! I'm the one walking around with numbers jumbling in my head as we SWAG (scientific wild ass guess) the carbs in meals we have no carb count for. How would YOU feel if YOU had to count the carbs for every single thing that went into your child's mouth? Yes....EVERY SINGLE THING! That means....that mint, that gum, that handful of goldfish, those two cookies, and even those few fries you gave him/her... EVERY SINGLE THING! And on top of that, do you know how many carbs are in the 5 fries you just gave your child? How about that huge ice cream sundae you just made? Or what about that piece of birthday cake? Yep! Diabetes doesn't sleep so even at your child's birthday party you have to stop, make them test their blood sugar and then decide if he/she can have that big piece of cake or that small piece. How about that big Thanksgiving dinner that your child just asked for seconds on? It SUCKS! Everything about diabetes SUCKS...ok well maybe not everything because I've met some of the most amazing and generous D-Moms around. Yeah, they get it! They know what it's like to worry and be frustrated when those around us don't understand. They are the reason I am here because I would of made this blog private so no one could ever view it again but THEY CARE! So if you want to continue on your daily life of judging me then that is fine but I can only hope and pray the genetics are in your favor and that your busy healthy life isn't affected by the diabetes gremlins. I hope and pray you are never faced with the daily life struggles and the worry that we have.

How do you deal with others making diabetes seem like a head cold? Do you just ignore them? Do you educate them? Do you take those emotions and internalize them rather than vent on Facebook? Do you blog them?

That being said, it's only a few weeks til school starts and I'm getting a little nervous. We're off to a new school and a new nurse. So this means we are faced with teaching others about diabetes and Kacey's care. It's going to be a challege but I am confident it's one we can handle. Look out 8th grade...here we come!

Footsies

"You need to make sure you're watching her feet!"
"It's important for you to inspect her feet carefully."
"Make sure you are wearing good shoes because you have to take good care of you feet."

We hear this all the time from people!

WHY is it so important to care for a diabetic's feet?

Proper foot care is very important when you have diabetes. Poor foot care could lead to amputation of a foot or leg. People with diabetes are more vulnerable to foot problems because diabetes can damage the nerves and reduce blood flow to your feet. The American Diabetes Association estimates that one in five people with diabetes seek care for foot problems. By taking proper care of your feet, most serious health problems associated with diabetes can be prevented.

I found this interesting information while surfing the internet about diabetic feet:

Wash and Dry Your Feet Daily

• Use mild soaps
• Use warm water
• Pat your skin dry; do not rub. Thoroughly dry your feet.
• After washing, use lotion on your feet to prevent cracking. Do not put lotion between your toes.

Examine Your Feet Each Day

• Check the tops and bottoms of your feet. Have someone else look at your feet if you cannot see them.
• Check for dry, cracked skin.
• Look for blisters, cuts, scratches, or other sores.
• Check for redness, increased warmth, or tenderness when touching any area of your feet.
• Check for ingrown toenails, corns, and calluses.
• If you get a blister or sore from your shoes, do not "pop" it. Apply a bandage and wear a different pair of shoes.

Take Care of Your Toenails

• Cut toenails after bathing, when they are soft.
• Cut toenails straight across and smooth with a nail file.
• Avoid cutting into the corners of toes.
• Do not cut cuticles.
• You may want a podiatrist (foot doctor) to cut your toenails.

Be Careful When Exercising

• Walk and exercise in comfortable shoes.
• Do not exercise when you have open sores on your feet.

Protect Your Feet With Shoes and Socks

• Never go barefoot. Always protect your feet by wearing shoes or hard-soled slippers or footwear.
• Avoid shoes with high heels and pointed toes.
• Avoid shoes that expose your toes or heels (such as open-toed shoes or sandals). These types of shoes increase your risk for injury and potential infections.
• Try on new footwear with the type of socks you usually wear.
• Do not wear new shoes for more than an hour at a time.
• Change your socks daily.
• Look and feel inside your shoes before putting them on to make sure there are no foreign objects or rough areas.
• Avoid tight socks.
• Wear natural-fiber socks (cotton, wool, or a cotton-wool blend).
• Wear special shoes if your health care provider recommends them.
• Wear shoes/boots that will protect your feet from various weather conditions (cold, moisture, etc.).
• Make sure your shoes fit properly. If you have neuropathy (nerve damage), you may not notice that your shoes are too tight. Perform the "footwear test" described below.

Footwear Test

Use this simple test to see if your shoes fit correctly:

• Stand on a piece of paper. (Make sure you are standing and not sitting, because your foot changes shape when you stand.)
• Trace the outline of your foot.
• Trace the outline of your shoe.
• Compare the tracings: Is the shoe too narrow? Is your foot crammed into the shoe? The shoe should be at least 1/2 inch longer than your longest toe and as wide as your foot.

Proper Shoe Choices

The following types of shoes are best for people with diabetes:

• Closed toes and heels
• Leather uppers without a seam inside
• At least 1/2 inch extra space at the end of your longest toe
• Inside of shoe should be soft with no rough areas
• Outer sole should be made of stiff material
• Shoes should be at least as wide as your feet

Tips for Foot Care in Diabetes

• Don't wait to treat a minor foot problem if you have diabetes. Follow your health care provider's guidelines and first aid guidelines.
• Report foot injuries and infections to your health care provider immediately.
• Check water temperature with your elbow, not your foot.
• Do not use a heating pad on your feet.
• Do not cross your legs.
• Do not self-treat your corns, calluses, or other foot problems. Go to your health care provider or podiatrist to treat these conditions.

When to Talk to Your Doctor About Foot Care

Your health care provider should examine your feet at each visit. In addition, see your health care provider if you have any of the following problems with your feet:

• Athlete's foot (cracking between the toes)
• Sores or wounds on your feet
• Ingrown toenails
• Increasing numbness or pain
• Calluses
• Redness
• Blackening of skin
• Bunions
• Infection
• Hammer toes (when the middle joint of toes is permanently bent downward)

Interesting stuff, huh?

I was also recommended another site to purchase shoes, Dr. Comfort at www.drcomfort.com. I see these shoes can be very pricey but could be covered by insurance. Has anyone heard about this company or bought special "diabetic" shoes before? Is wearing special shoes necessary? Maybe one day we could afford to buy these kinds of shoes but for now we'll just wait!

I've always bought Kacey good sneakers. Most of the time we get the from Reebok (she has a wide foot and wears a ladies size 10) but when we looked into special shoes before I couldn't spend nearly $200 for a pair of shoes. She is very hard on her shoes and so we are buying a new pair every 6 months or so.

How about you all....anything else to add about "Diabetic Footsies"?

Endo Report Card

It's that time again....REPORT CARD TIME! Time to see how good we're doing as a pancreas. Kacey hates this visit because it always falls the week of her birthday and that always means lab work for her. She says, "It's my birthday present from the Diabetes Center!"

We got to see Nurse SJ this time and we LOVE her. We haven't been able to see her the last 2 visits so it was nice to catch up. She was surprised at how tall Kacey had gotten. She's 5'4" and still growing!

I had a chance to talk with SJ about the jump in copay for insulin and test strips. She couldn't believe they went from $60 to $125...EACH! We continued to talk about options and she told me she would like to switch Kacey to Apidra from the Novolog. They've seen some really good results with it and teens especially. She also told me that Apidra was running a special for the rest of 2013 on the insulin...$100 off your copay! So thats nearly FREE for us!! All I had to do was sign up and get the card with the number along with the new prescription. AWESOME!

Kacey's A1c hasn't changed....still 8.6% but she expects there to be a big change next visit. So like I said, this time it meant lab work for Kacey. Unfortunately we got a Lab Lady that was having a rotten day and wasn't friendly at all.

Other than that, Kacey is doing great! She wants her to try and work hard to get that A1c back into the 7's but she said she was confident that switching up the insulin was going to work.

Any Apidra users out there that can offer advice....good or bad?

Low, LOW, LOWWWWWWWWWW!

While we are fighting all of these puberty battles, it's not too often that we have many lows or even lows that last very long. But occassionally, Kacey body goes into "working" mode and it's almost as if she has a complete and functioning pancreas. Diabetes seems to rear it's ugly face most at night. This night that I am speaking of was a typical evening for us. She didn't have any extra activity or over correction of insulin. We came home from church youth group and both girls got cleaned up and got their jammies on. It was about 9:45pm and both of them went on to bed. Kacey checked her blood sugar and she was sitting at a 389 with a headache and feeling pretty crappy. She corrected and I got her some Motrin and off to sleep she went. The house was quiet and I decided to get myself cleaned up and got my jammies on. I settled down in bed watching the news and I don't even remember falling asleep. And what does that mean?!?! That means the 2am alarm never got set!!

I felt like I'd only been asleep for a few minutes when a scream came from the other room. A scream like nothing I've heard before. It was Kacey! I stumbled out of bed, arrived at her doorway still trying to focus and there she was crying hysterically and screaming out that her whole body was numb. She had her meter in her hand but she couldn't function to test her blood sugar. As I scrambled to test her, my eyes tried to focus on the time.... 4:15am! WHAT?!?! It was then that I realized the clock never got set. Panic set in as I tested her... 63.... I pulled out Dexcom as I pushed her to drink TWO full glasses of juice. My eyes welled up as I looked at the screen....

She had been low for over TWO HOURS!!! She layed there with her eyes closed as she waited for her blood sugar to come up. Silent tears rolled down my face as that sinking feeling set in. All the "what if's" started to flood my tired brain. What if she had not of called out to me? I would have continued sleeping and then when my internal clock decided to wake me up then how would I have found her? It scares me and makes me sick to my stomach to even think about it. "Dead In The Bed Syndrome" is one of my biggest fears. I hold my breath every morning at 2am and again at 6am when I wake her for school...so to know that she was low for those two hours and it was MY fault for not setting the alarm...scared me so bad! I felt guilty and beat myself up for a few days. I made sure to set alarms on my iPhone instead that way I know they will always go off and I don't ever have to worry about missing that 2am check. Thank you God for allowing us to have the Dexcom G4 (even though we wish the low alarm was louder like the high alarm). Thank you God for protecting her and giving her just enough strength to call out to me. Thank you God for allowing me to hear her when she did call out.

After her blood sugar came up to a 156, I went back to my room to lay down. I was so scared and couldn't go back to sleep.

We NEED a cure!

School Report & College

Report cards for the first half of the year are in.... ALL A's!!! Yep! Kacey rocked it...but with A LOT of hard work. Those grades don't come easy when you have diabetes and miss 28 days. Frankly, some days just SUCK! On top of the A's, she received an award for Citizenship in Math out of the entire 7th grade classes combined. ***insert proud Mommy moment*** Her teacher gave a speech telling the other students that the person chosen was a kind, outgoing and very hardworking student that deserved the award. Kacey had no idea she was being chosen so she came home with a HUGE confidence boost! To make things a bit more fun, she tried out for Festival Chorus again this year and was chosen along with 39 other students out of the school. Can you say...ALL THINGS MUSIC?!?! So this semester she has Chorus, Music Exploration, Band and every Tues she stays for Festival Chorus. And now she wants to sing with our youth band!! She is so happy when she's singing or playing her sax. Ohhhhh and that brings me to another thing....last Friday she walked out of school with a case the size of a childs coffin! BARITONE SAX!!! Her teacher asked her if she'd like to try it and bought her a mouthpiece and reed for it and sent it home with her for the weekend. SHE IS IN LOVE!!! She likes it better than her Alto Sax and so now she's lugging this "BARI-COFFIN" (as I call it) to school and home every day. I love seeing her so happy! It seems like when she is playing, all the worries of diabetes and crappy days are gone! As a mom, one of the greatest joys is seeing your child so happy. So that's our school update.....onto a tougher subject......

As a parent, your ultimate job is to raise your child to be a strong, functioning and independent adult in society. At least that's what I've been taught! We don't raise our kids to live at home all their lives and mooch off Mommy and Daddy. We want them to grow up. We want them to be responsible. We want the best for them, right? But then there comes a time when you see that happening before your eyes and you shudder for a moment. You cry silently as you see your child growing up and becoming their own person. It happens several times in their life. You celebrate those moments as they grow but then when it comes time to push them to go out on their own, you try and tighten those reigns a little. All of a sudden, you don't want them to grow up so fast. This is the point where I think you can do the ultimate damage. This is the point that either they will fly out on their own or they will be guilted into staying at home because they don't want to leave you. I can speak for myself when I say, I was one that chose to remain at home. When I graduated, my parents had just divorced, my Mom was alone and there was no way I could possibly think about "leaving her". Soon after is when I became pregnant with Kayleigh. It was then that I knew I really wasn't going anywhere and I didn't move out until I met Frankie and we were getting married. Even then, my Mom did what she could to keep me at home. When I moved out, she was devistated! She cried for weeks. She was alone! I felt like I'd hurt her, even though I was 24 years old and it was time for me to "grow up". I swore if I ever had kids, I would NEVER make them feel like that. Well, thats easy to say when you have them. It's easy to say when they are growing up. But depending on the circumstances, it's harder than you may think. Most of you know the turmoil I went through with Kayleigh when she was little. I've always tended to hold her a little closer to my side. She's always tended to stay closer. She never really wanted to venture out of her "comfort zone". So last year when it came time to talk about "going away to school" before graduation, she would cry just thinking about it. She would tell me she didn't want to talk about it. Then she decided that she would go locally to school. She would commute and live at home. Since she was choosing culinary school, they didn't require SAT's or ACT's so her guidance councelor told her to save her money and not take them. Graduation came....and went. Her cake business skyrocketed....and then THE OFFER. She was given the offer of a lifetime....or was it? A very good friend of ours was willing to invest a large sum of money to help her get a bakery going in our local town. He had confidence in her work since he'd tasted it and seen it on her website. He saw the reviews she was getting and he was willing to take the risk and all we had to do was find the location and write the business plan. For an 18 year old, life seemed to be falling into place and her dreams were right before her eyes and being handed to her on a silver platter! Easier said than done! Findind a location was proving to be more difficult than we thought. When we finally thought we found a location, we met with the property managers not once but THREE different times. They were frustrated that we were not jumping to sign a contract so quick and we were frustrated that brick walls were being put in the way. It seemed like every time we broke through a wall, God slammed another one down in front of us. I firmly believe everything happens for a reason and I was beginning to have some doubt. Was this Satan telling me that we couldn't do it or was it God telling me that we needed to take another path? The best thing I could do was pray about it and ask God to show us what path to take? As I prayed, I started to get an unsettling feeling about the location. Maybe that wasn't the right one. Maybe opening the bakery isn't what Kay should be doing. As she pushed forward with the business plan and other legal stuff, more brick walls started to appear and she started to get frustrated. There were things that I just couldn't help her with....business stuff and legal mumbo jumbo that were out of my league. Did we really give thought to running retail? Running it from home was a ballgame but running retail was entirely new game and it was something I really didn't know about. The frustrations grew and as we were driving to meet a client, I turned to Kayleigh in the front seat and said, "What do you want to do with your life?" She looked at me dumbfounded and said, "I want to open the bakery". I then started posing questions like, "Who is going to work if you get sick?", "Who will work if I get sick?", "What happens if diabetes throws a curve ball and I can't come in because I am with your sister?", "Who will run the front while we are in the back?", "What happens if you want a day off or vacation?", "What about your friends and your life?", "What happens in 5 years when you are burnt out and decide you've had enough?".....You've been doing this since you were 13....thats 5 years already! In 5 more years, you will be 10 years into this and what happens when you say you're done with cakes and baking? You have NOTHING to fall back on! Opening a bakery will be like giving birth to a child. It WILL be your life and it WILL consume your life, even if it's closed on Sundays, your entire life will be spent around baking...the same way it's been spent the last 5 years! She's had to plan her life around cakes....her social life and her personal life. The same when you have a child....everything is planned around that baby. I got pregant at 18, gave birth a month after my 19th birthday....I DON'T WANT THAT LIFE FOR HER!!! I don't want her locking herself into something I can see happening. My suggestion...how about college? THE C WORD!!! It was almost as if I'd said the F word. The tears were already rolling and this compiled them and she was sniffling. Her reply, "College isn't for me! College is too big! I don't want to go away!" Excuses! Excuses! She had a meeting with her best friend's mom for her birthday cake so I let her get herself together. When she came in, she knew something was wrong. We talked to her about what we'd just discussed and she told Kay that she had to side with her mom on this one. I was right!

And then....the wheels started to turn!

Maybe college wasn't a bad idea after all? For so many years, Kay has done what she's always dreamed but it wasn't a bad thing to take a break and LIVE LIFE! There is life outside of baking and cakes. There is life outside of our town. There is a life that she hasn't lived the way her friends have because she has been so focused being a "grown up" living at home. As we talked and criend together, I wanted her to know that I was ok with her going away. I wanted the best for her and I wanted her to experience all those things that I couldn't because I was at home with responsibilities of being MOM! I never pawned her off on my Mom as a baby. Even though I lived at home, I went to work daily (and she went with me) and I came home and took care of her. I had NO social life. I spent every moment I could with her and that is EXACTLY what I've done for 18 years now. When she started her business, I was helping her bake. I was mixing icing. I was driving her for deliveries. And it's been that way for 5 years now! We've spent every single moment together and it's time for her to have her space. It's time for her to spread her wings and live life away from me. As much as it kills me and I've cried LOTS of silent tears lately, I don't want her to see it upset me. I have to keep the strong Mommy face because I know the moment she sees me upset, she is going to backslide and get upset and not want to go. Why? For the same reason I felt that way when I was 18....I didn't want to see my Mom upset. I didn't want to make my Mom cry. I didn't want to be a disappointment. I didn't want my Mom to hurt. I am closer to Kayleigh than I ever was with my Mom. We share everything and I know if she sees me cry, then she won't go. Soooooo.....what's happened since that meeting on 1-22-13?

That night, we went home and pulled University of Mary Washington up on the laptop. We clicked onto the Common App and FILLED IT OUT! Within 4 days, she'd written 3 essays. On 1-28-13, she clicked SUBMIT and applied to UMW! We cried, we laughed and we hugged. The application deadline for UMW was 2-1-13. Can you believe it?!?! If she had waited any longer, she would have missed the deadline and would have had to wait until spring to register. And.....those brick walls....well they've all seemed to have fallen into place. If only we'd listened to God and heard what He was trying to tell us. She called her mentor to tell him what was happening and he told her that for a week straight he went to the parking lot of the location we'd picked out and prayed over it. He said there was hardly any foot traffic but he didn't know how to tell her without upsetting her that the location was wrong and not a good one. FUNNY HUH?!?! God's plan....NOT OURS! I laughed and told Kayleigh that this whole time God was behind her making funny faces and sticking his tongue out at her and laughing while she beat her head against those walls. We started a board on Pinterest for Dorm ideas. The more we pinned, the more excited she got! And then on 2-18-13, we made the 2 hour drive to Fredericksburg to take the tour of UMW. That sealed it for her....she's going! We fell in love with the campus. We fell in love with the surrounding area. She WANTS to go! And now here I sit....feeling like that Mom that wants to pull those reigns back in. Some days I cry more than others knowing that she can't just "come home" on the weekends. Oh yeah....and those SAT's she DIDN'T TAKE....she now has to take them on March 9. That is the only thing holding her application up. She will know in April if she gets in and if she doesn't then she will take the SATs again in April and May and register for the spring. She will continue to apply until she gets in!

So there ya have it....the drama of my life for the last month. I've struggled with writing through tears. I couldn't even begin to sit down and talk about her leaving a month ago. I've come to grips with it now and I can talk without busting into tears. It's still hard to watch them flap their wings and soar on their own. I know she will do GREAT! She has a strong Momma to lean on! ;) Heehee! It's going to be rocky....it's going to be hard.....but ultimately it's going to be fun and she will be living the time of her life! Fly baby.....flyyyyyyy!