Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Letting Go

My head hurts. Not just my brain feels like it's ready to explode. My life isn't consumed with a normal 9am-5pm job. My life is consumed with the job of being a mother and there are days it's overwhelming and all I want to do is crawl in bed and pull a blanket up and SLEEP!

Of course, my lack of sleep lately is probably why I'm so emotional but I need to get these feelings out before I explode....blech!

I have so many things swirling through my head making it hard for me to just REST at night. For one night, I'd like to lay down and not think about anything else. But when I lay down....

Did Kacey check her sugar?
Did the girls get their homework done?
Oh yeah, that load of clothes needs to be put in the dryer.
Crap! I forgot to give the dog water.
Did I let the dog out before I layed down?
I need to write that note for Kacey being sick.
I forgot to sign those permission slips.
What do I have on the calendar for the rest of the week?
Ugh! I need to get some groceries before the cubbards look like Mother Hubbard's
Graduation is getting close, have to start planning the party!
Crap again! I forgot to order those yearbooks!
Speaking of graduation...still have to order cap and gown too! Dang it!

This is just a glimpse of what runs through my head. The girls have so much going on with school now, that I work more now than when I worked full time getting paid for it. Geesh!

So what's going on? Part of my worry is Kacey isn't back on Dexcom yet. I worry because I don't know what her blood sugars are doing. Is she headed up? Is she dropping? And when shes sleeping it's a nightmare. I do a 11pm check and I'm back up again at 2am and then again at 6am. She's not interested in putting it back on and I'm a wreck. I don't let her know I'm a wreck because I don't want her to feel like she HAS to wear something she's really not wanting to right now just to make me happy. My biggest question is, "Why doesn't she want to wear it?" And out of my 11 year old, all I can get is, "I just don't want to wear another box on the front of my tummy." It bothers me....yes it bothers me REALLY bad. I try an explain how useful the information is but she's insisting that it's HER body and she doesn't NEED Dexcom.


Yeah, she's right! She doesn't NEED it but I DO! I need to learn to let go. I need to learn to just pick my battles and be a Mom some days...not a SUPER Mom. I have to make myself understand that there are some days that I really can't do it all. I know I should be deligating my responsiblities but there are some days that it doesn't seem fair to. But then...what is fair? I remember going to school, riding the school bus to my afterschool job from 3pm-6pm, Mom picking me up and driving me to night college classes from 7pm-10pm, and then coming home and getting homework done and chores. I made it. I turned out fine. So why do I fnd it so hard to hand out those chores like laundry, dishes and floors?

To compact all this, Kayleigh is having problems with blood sugars again. Next month will be a year since hr diagnosis of Hypoglycemia. Over the past year, she's had several occasions where she's dropped low and most of them were from not eating every 2-3 hours. All that being said, about two months ago, she got really sick. She has a cough, bad head cold and the all around crappy feeling. She was home from school and didn't bounce back as fast as she normally would. And then about 3 weeks ago...the grumpies and sick stomach after eating came. I shoved aside those Momma-gut feelings that started to flood my brain. No...Nope....NO! I will NOT let those thoughts flood my brain! The more I shoved them out, the more they came. She was thirsty and water bottles were disappearing at lightening speed. I heard her getting up in the middle of the night to pee. She was tired all the time. She slept REALLY sound (something she NEVER does). More thoughts....NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! And then....the meter readings. She checked her blood sugar to find a 160. She was feeling crappy and by chance thought she'd check and see. She hadn't eaten in a few hours and she was feeling sweaty and sick at her stomach again. REALLY?!?!

So here I sit, tears streaming down my face, all this time my Momma gut keeps saying the "D" word but my brain shoves it out. Her sugars have not been above 180 yet and her highest fasting was 110. I know I shouldn't worry but when you have a child that shows those symptoms that you ignored the first time, you know your child had that nasty illness prior to this and now you have meter readings higher than can't help but think about it!

Seven months before Kacey was diagnosed, she had a double ear infection, sinus infection and bronchitits. About three months before she was diagnosed, she had the sick stomach after eating, thirsty, pottybreaks at night, and grumpies all day long. The week before she was diagnosed, she was wetting the bed at night and throwing up along with diarrhea. We didn't know it was diabetes so we had no way of testing to see what her blood sugars were.

So what do we do? Sit and wait. Journal. Test. Write down symptoms. Test more. Wait. Wait. Wait. It's nerveracking!

I need to learn to LET GO! I need to give it to God and let him take care of it instead of trying to be Super Mom. I need to pray and have peace knowing that if God brings me to it then He will bring me through it. I need to step out of the quickstand and stand on solid ground.

OK.... *breathe* ....I feel like I just had diarrhea of the mouth and my thoughts are jumbled but at least they're out of my head...for now!

1 comment:

Misty said...

Oh Jill, I have mommy brain too and it won't turn off at night either! I'm sure that you must be so worried about Kayleigh. I love your saying "If God brings me to it, then He will bring me through it." I'm going to remember that! Praying for you and both of your sweet girls.