I've been MIA the last week because I haven't been able to bring myself to blog about whats going on. Not that I haven't thought about it. It just seems that I can't type out what I want to in fear of it being so true. Call it denial....yes!
I'm going to try not to drag this post out because right now I still can't see through my tears. I've cried more the last 2 weeks than I did when we were told Kacey had diabetes....and that was TONS of tears! My eyes are puffy...my heart is heavy...my brain won't stop running in fast forward and my body is completely exhausted but my brain won't let it rest. I'm lucky if I've slept 2 hours each night and finally last night I took something to MAKE me sleep. (Thanks Frankie for doing 2am check for me) I slept from 8pm to 6am and never budged!
Alright...this is what we know. NOT as much as I'd like to know but we're taking it as it comes at us. On Monday when Kacey had her MRI, the nurse told me the ortho doctor would have the results by Tues morning. So on Tues morning, I called the doctor and they hadn't gotten them yet. So by 4pm I called back and the nurse put me on hold. The had originally made an appointment for Kacey to have a recheck on Sept 15th. She came back on the line and said, "Do you think you can come in on Thurs at 10:45am to discuss the results of her MRI with Dr. Chris?" I paused for a second and said "Is everything ok?" She paused and said "Yes we just need for you to meet with Dr. Chris." So we booked the appointment and it was a waiting game. I was so sick at my stomach. Why? Well because if everything was normal with the MRI then they would have just said "Her results were fine. Come back on the 15th for a recheck" My brain went into fast forward! When we were at the hospital for the MRI, I had taken a peek at the doctors orders while we were waiting. BIG MISTAKE #1. He was looking for a "proximal humerus lesion". BIG MISTAKE #2. Googling what that was when I got home!
Thursday came and I was a mess. I had barely slept and looked like shit! Can I tell you how much I love Dr. Chris? He was the one who casted Kacey when she broke her arm last summer. So it was nice to be able to see him again :) I just wish it wasn't under these circumstances. He came in the room with 2 of the MRI pics printed out. He said there is definately something there but he's not sure exactly WHAT it is? Typically if it was cancer, on the MRI it shows up as a round thing with spikey things coming off of it. This does not. Typically, a lesion is found in leg bones. This is not. This is a wavey round thing and its in her upper arm bone and it's causing her severe pain that shoots down her arm. Bottom line, he's not sure what it is? He said we had 2 options: OPTION #1. We can leave it alone, see if it gets better, re-xray it in 6 months and see if its any bigger. OPTION #2. He will refer us to the best Pediatric Orthopedic Oncologist in the state of VA. WAITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!! Did he just say Oncologist? YES. HE. DID.!!! If I could pass out right then, I would! Can I puke? Ummmm....I can't even cry!!! I can't scare Kacey! I can't scream! I can't even talk!!!! So he went on to explain to me that he didn't feel comfortable leaving it alone and if she was his daughter then he would opt for the Oncologist and they would be able to tell us what is was for sure. OK...was this his way of letting us down easy so we didn't freak out? Did he not want to say it was the C-word? Could he see the worry on my face? YES he could! He looked at me and said "Mom, I know it's hard not to worry but if this is cancer then it is not going to grow as fast as I think it might in just 2 weeks. He said it would take about 2 weeks to get in to see this doc up at MCV. The made us the appointment while we were there....August 30th. That seems SOOOO far away! In the meantime, we try and stay sane and go about normal daily life.
How is Kacey taking things? She doesn't know what they are really looking for. She just knows she is going to a doctor that specializes in the pain she's having. Thats all she needs to know! The last thing I want is her worrying! We did manage to fill Kayleigh in on whats going on. She cried. But we wanted her to know why we were so upset and that we were going to need her to take up some slack with the chores.
PLEASE keep Kacey and our family in your prayers. I'm not sure what news we will be hit with on Aug 30th but I will update as soon as I possibly can. I'm preparing for the worst but hoping for the best! I just feel like I'm at rock bottom right now and I'm not sure how much longer I can do this unmedicated. Hey...don't we have some D-Moms on some good meds? LOL! Geesh...if I don't laugh then I'm gonna cry some more!!!
On a good note, I love hearing about and seeing all the blog changes. Forgive me for not updating my blogroll...I will...just too much on my hands right now to do it. Once things settle down and I am not so stressed, then I will update and add. So please don't think I'm not seeing them and I don't care...I REALLY DO!
Also, some pretty amazing news that Wendy from Candy Hearts Blog shared with me yesterday....Diabetes Sweeties was named one of the Top 50 Diabetes Blogs over HERE. It is an HONOR to be named but there are so many more that deserve recognition than the ones named on that list. Each and every one of you bloggers have a special place out there and I'm truely thankful to call you my FRIENDS! Wendy, thanks for spotting this out and thanks for being a sound board for me when I got the news. If you all haven't been over to Candy Hearts Blog yet, please jump over there and register for the most amazing contest that Wendy has going on! She made all kinds of pretty changes to her blog! Happy 2 year Blog-aversary Candy Hearts!!! :)