5 months

NO! I'm not pregnant! 5 months....thats over HALF of a pregnancy though!

Gosh! It seems like it's been longer than 5 months since I've been here but its been even longer since I regularly blogged. Why? Why can't I find words to write anymore? Why don't I take the time to tell everyone about my day? Why am I so exhausted by the end of the day? Then when I find time I feel like I have diarrhea of the mouth and it turns out to be this long drawn out post that no one wants to read anyway!

Kacey started 7th grade! I was a nervous wreck when I met with all of her teachers, which btw were VERY interested and asked lots of questions. I was worried for Kacey because it was a new group BUT I know she is a responsible and well rounded little girl that is growing up right before my eyes. She WILL be fine...so I need to KEEP CALM and BREATHE!

My last post was on our anniversary. That was MAY! Geesh where did the months go?

Well we made it through Kayleigh's final year of school and graduation without too many hiccups. I'm so happy we are done with that school! She got a 97 A as her final grade on her cookbook project. We threw her an amazing graduation party with 80+ people at OUR HOUSE! It was awesome and everyone had a great time. She was swamped with cakes to do the two weeks following and so it took a little time to settle in that she was really out of school! She has started dating a pretty amazing guy :) His name is Chris and I think he's gonna be around for quite a while. She really wasn't interested in dating and actually turned him down...(glad she decided to give him a chance because we adore him!) She took a two week trip to upstate New York and had a fantastic time. She's stayed pretty busy with her cakes over the summer. After 2 interviews that didn't go so well, she's pushing forward with her own business. She is now a .COM! Check her out... www.cakebykayleigh.com.  It's hard because she knows what work she is capable of but the two places she interviewed with want her to sign a no compete clause. She's had her own business for 4 years, built her own clientel and now she would have to sign it all over to work for $7 an hour. THATS TOUGH! I know God will lead her in the right direction and the right thing will come open for her. She's waiting til next year to go away to Pastry School.

I met with Kacey's teachers the week before school. I must say...this is the first year that I've had so many teachers ASK the questions before I actually got to the information. Do you realize how excited that makes this nervous D-Momma? VERY! They were all very thankful for the packet with her 504 Plan, Health Care Plan and cheat sheets. They all "knew" about diabetes but they had so many questions about Kacey in general. All of them seem so very nice and I'm excited that Kacey left there so excited. One of her teachers is a girl I went to high school with...so that was kinda funny! Overall, I think we're in for the most awesome year we've ever had. I loved her elementary school but I REALLY love the middle school she is in now. I will treasure each moment this year because she will move to another school next year for a year and then she will be off to the same crappy high school that Frankie and I went to and Kayleigh just graduated from.

As for me....well for the last 2 months I've been so busy. My Mom had a total hip replacement at the end of July so my days of August were been spent taking care of her. She thinks she was a burden but it's my job to care for her, right? She was so used to caring for herself and always doing for others so when she was totally relying on me to do everything for her, she got herself all upset over it. She's made a remarkable recovery and it's great to see how far we've advanced with technology but she's still got a way to go. She's back to doing things for herself and driving herself but she's still having a hard time with a few things...sleep mainly! She can't seem to get comfortable sleeping or sitting so thats been a bit of a burden for her. She went back to work for half days but she still gets exhausted pretty easy. I keep having to remind her that even though they had her up walking only 4 hours after surgery...she had MAJOR surgery and it's only been 2 months!

Vacation....yep! I took the girls to Washington DC for a girls weekend away. It was a fun trip despite the rainy weather. They had a great time seeing everything and want to go back for more touring later. I also had a chance to take Kacey to Lucky Lake for some gem and mineral mining. That beats DC anyday! Haha! It was beautiful and since we're all "rock junkies", it was a perfect trip for us. Kacey actually found some aquamarine (her birthstone) and we used our "free cut of any rock" for that and they made it into a gem to place in a ring or necklace. That was very exciting!

I want to try and get myself back on a blogging kick so I am going to try and make time in the evening to write and have it post automatically :) I just got so turned off when I had all that blog drama before and it's been hard to sit down and write like I used to. I know I need to because my whole head feels like its going to explode some days. I feel like I've pulled away from the DOC when I should be pulling closer. I feel out of the loop and sometimes it's hard to jump right back in where I left off. Depression, Illness, Busy Life...it all plays a factor! I'll bounce back....just gotta MAKE time!

Happy Wedding Birthday

Yesterday evening, Frankie got a text to his phone from Kacey. It read, "Daddy don't forget tomorrow is yours and Mommys birthday." BIRTHDAY? We both started giggling because it's one of those Kaceyisms that end up sticking. Like a dear friend on Facebook said, it's the birth of our wedding so it's kind of a birthday. So instead of saying, "Happy Anniversary!", I will say "Happy Wedding Birthday!" to my wonderful husband today!

13 YEARS....no it's not an unlucky number...it's a number that shows how far we've come...a LONG way!! Its been a rough and bumpy ride but worth every bit.

Last year, I did a year in review so this year I will share our wedding day in pictures.

 Me & my brother

 Me & My girls

Me & My Mom

 My brother walked me down the aisle

 Wowwww...check out that mullet...heehee!

 Mr. & Mrs.

 Our Bridal Party

 OMG! Look how little Kayleigh was!

 Our First Dance.... "You Had Me At Hello" by Kenny Chesney

 Trying to eat...we only had a few bites before it was time to visit again.

 Wooohoooooooo!

 Our Toast....Frankie's best friend did the toast and his ending words, "May all of your ups and downs be under the sheets!" Hahahaha!

 Cutting the cake....the only thing that went wrong with our wedding. The cake was the wrong flavors and we only had one piece and that was the piece we exchanged right after this pic.

 Mommy/Daughter dance

 Happy Couple

And here we are...13 years later! Happy Wedding Birthday Baby!!!

Playing Catchup

It seems like all I've been doing lately is "playing catchup". Our lives have been a complete whirlwind of activities and appointments. It seems like I have more "hurry up and wait" moments with everything going on and today I finally have a little time to breathe.

The last few months have brought on loads of excitement. Let's start with both girls at once. They both had their annual eye check ups. As you all know, type 1 diabetes can affect many things long term and eyesight is one of them. Both girls had been complaining of headaches more than usual but how do I know if it's just allergies or if something more was going on? Kacey started coming home telling me she couldn't see. It was worse on high sugar days. She said, "Things are blurry all the time. I can't read the board and I sit in the front row. I can't even read the road signs anymore! Mom I NEED an appointment quick!" So yes, I was worried. I was scared. I know it takes a long time to affect your eyes but it's times like this that I worry. Kayleigh's been complaining more and I knew she'd been having lots of lows. So yeah....I had the Mommygutworryitis! We went in for the appointments last week. This time we got to see a different doctor (female) and both girls absolutely loved her! She talked to them and not around them (which makes a HUGE difference!) Kacey was up first....she couldn't see past the 3rd line down WITH her glasses on! YIKES!!!

And then it was Kayleigh's turn! She could see down to the bottom but she was straining harder and squinting.

It was then that I knew BOTH girls eyes had really changed. The doc said that Kacey's eyes had gotten worse and she now had astigmatism in one eye and Kayleigh's one lens was actually too strong and her eye was working overtime. Other than that....both girls eyes look healthy! So then the fun came with the glasses. They both had fun trying on new glasses and since our insurance pays for them 100% every year, we take advantage of it. They always like to trick Daddy though and they send him a picture of a funny one and tell him thats what they chose. So here are the picks this year...

And then here are the real ones they chose.....

So they were very pleased with their n\"new look".

The end of the school year is drawing near. Their last day of school is May 31st and the weeks are filling so fast as it gets closer. The past month we've been swamped in stuff to do!

Kayleigh presented her SIRS (Senior Independant Research Project) on April 23rd. She was more than prepared for it but she was still nervous. She wasn't finished collecting all the money for the last of the cookbooks so her teacher gave her til May 1st as her cut off. She met with the Roundy family on May 1st and presented them a check for $3400.00, money raised from cookbook sales and dessert event. This money was used to pay off the final medical expenses that this family had as a result of the accident Morganne was in that required her to undergo two life saving brain surgeries.

As you can see, she's a walking miracle and is doing wonderful! She will graduate with Kayleigh. This project had consumed so much of our lives as a family and as sad as we were to see it end, we were glad it was over and we could focus on graduation. Thank you to everyone online that helped support her!

On April 27th, Kayleigh had Senior Prom. I can't believe this was the last dance I'd be fixing her hair for. As I helped her get ready, the tears began to flow uncontrollably. I've had more meltdowns lately because I know the end is drawing near. She was asked to prom by a very nice and respectful young man that she's been friends with since the beginning of high school. I won't go into all the details about him just yet but let's just say I was happy to know that I didn't have to worry about her that night. She went with a good group of friends and she was happy that she finally decided to tell him yes after weeks of saying no.

May 6th brought a fun day....COLOR ME RAD. It was our first 5K and it was so much fun! 

You start out with a white shirt and at each mile you are blasted with color and at each 1/2 mile between the miles you're blasted with liquid color they squirt at you. As we began the race, it started to rain so imagine for a moment being wet and then having baby powder dumped on you. Yep...it was FUNNNNN!!! We ran & walked up hills, through mud and wet grass and even got trampled by a few serious runners. It was insane! As soon as we finished, we were ready to do it again! At mile one we were hit with yellow and pink....mile 1 1/2 we got blasted with liquid blue....mile 2 we were powdered with orange and green....mile 2 1/2 we were soaked in red and blue....and then at the end we were dumped with blue and purple. It was awesome and we certainly plan on making this a yearly thing!

This time of year also means the end of some favorite things in school. Kacey has been in chorus, festival chorus and band this year. She patiently waited the last 3 years to be able to play her saxaphone and now it's come to an end. She finished the year with two concerts, one for chorus and one for band. Once the concerts were over, so were the classes. The next morning she had to go to school without dragging that sax case with her. You'd of thought she was missing her best friend. She moped all morning knowing that it was almost time to give it back. The sax she had was a rent to own from a company the school uses. Personally I don't like the idea of handing my child a $1700 saxaphone when you can buy them online all day long for $295! We paid $55 a month to rent this one since the beginning of the school year but the nice thing is that we can hand it back over to the company and be done with it. So thats what we did....but not without a few tears! We reassured her that we would purchase one for her over the summer. And now....a new found love....she saw the Jazz Band perform and she is thrilled about joining. I explained that she would have to give up chorus in order to do it and she's prepared to! She was so excited about it that she went into her teacher the next morning and told her she was interested in it. Her teacher explained they had to be chosen for it but she knew Kacey was a hard worker and put in hours so she'd definately be a candidate for it. Talk about being over the moon! We aso got the sheet home for her to choose classes for next year. Yikes! 7th GRADE! Her choices surprised me. Of course, Band is #1....but #2 Guitar....#3 Keyboarding....#4 Home Ec. Ummmm....GUITAR?!?! Yep she wants to learn another instrument that gets her closer to playing in the church band. Geesh! I'm excited for her :) It should be a very MUSICAL year again!

Then Diabetes has a way of sticking it's foot into things and stirring the pot to cause a tornado. Ketones...those little buggars that are like a thorn in your side. It was time for the dreaded site change and Kacey was already wallowing over it. Her pump had alarmed and she hit ignore for the low cartridge. But when it plays that little tune to tell us that it's completely out of insulin then there is no choice but to change it. She was a mess and started to cry and the easiest thing for me to do when she gets like that is get the site change done as quick as possible. I grabbed up supplies and the crying got louder and louDER and LOUDER til she was in a full wail. She doesn't do this every site change but there are just times she has those meltdowns. So imagine how difficult it is to do a site change with the crying and belly jiggle...difficult! I got it done but something about the "stick" didn't feel right. She said it felt ok and usually when its a bad stick then she can feel it and we take it out right then. (Which is why we don't use numbing cream) Anyway, the night went on and her sugar was a 389 for bed at 9pm. Yuk! At 11pm, I checked to see if she was coming down....394. Crap! Gave her another correction and went to bed. The 2am alarm went off and I checked again....419. Holy Moley! Gave her another correction and checked her site. Everything looked fine, no insulin smell, no leaks, no blood, pump battery fine. All the normal check off list was correct so what in the world was causing this? She woke up at 6am and you'd of thought we woke a grizzly bear. Grumpy...grumbles...shouts...tears (and lots of them)....screams of "I don't feel good!"...but she had her last chorus practice and if she missed it then she couldn't perform the following night. She managed to get herself up, wash her hair, get dressed and then refused to eat. After some convincing, I got her to eat a rice cake with peanut butter but not without a fight. She was miserable, I knew that, so whats a Mom to do? Well, this Mom took her to school. She slept the entire way. As we pulled up, I assured her that she didn't have to go but she pushed the van door open and said she had to so she could sing. I dropped Kay off at school and had just sat down in Starbucks for a breather when my phone rang....8:30am....Kacey School Nurse. CRAP! I answered it and with a worried voice, her nurse explained that Kacey had come in and her sugar was a 460 with LARGE ketones. I'm glad I was sitting down because I felt my whole body tingle. LARGE? Yes, you heard correctly. She doesn't feel good and she's trying to stay but shes miserable. I imagine she is! She's only had LARGE ketones ONCE since diagnosis and that was when she had the flu. YUK! Kacey gave herself another correction so I told her to wait 20 more minutes and call me back and let me know if she was coming down. At the 10 minute mark my phone rang again....Jill, shes a 490 now and shes trying to drink water and feels like shes going to throw up. I'M ON MY WAY!!!! I packed up and rushed to her school. When I got there, she looked like she was going to puke any second. She started to cry and I felt horrible. Yep...give me the Mother of the Year award :( I should never have let her go to school. When we got home, I checked her again and she was coming down so I had her drink some Crystal Light instead of plain water. We immediately did site change. Something about that site was weird to begin with and I felt like that was what was causing this hurricane of crap. After that, she got in my bed and she started to cry again. I asked her what was wrong and she explained that she was scared. Scared? "Yes I'm scared because I remember being in ICU and being so sick. I remember feeling bad and I feel like that now." Oh geesh! My heart broke into a million pieces for her. She may not remember life before diagnosis but she remembers that day VERY well! I reassured her that as long as her sugar and ketones were coming down then she was good. Two hours after coming home, her ketones were gone and her sugar was 286. And then....sleep! She slept the morning away and it was almost as if her body said, "Enough!" but for a Mommy it's a scary time. I remeber that scary ICU feeling when she slept. She looks so peaceful but yet there is a hurricane happening inside.

The silent diabetes storm....hurricane force....had completely wiped her out! By lunchtime, I felt like I needed to wake her and make sure things were ok. Before I woke her, I checked her sugar....52! WTF?!?! How in the world did she go from a 490 to a 52 in a matter of hours?!?! Ummm....I guess we got a good site! So I woke her and she had juice and then some lunch. An hour later she was sitting at a 164 and holding steady but she was still so tired. Back to sleep she went! She ended up sleeping til almost dinner time and I woke her up again in fear she wouldn't be able to sleep all night. When she woke up, she felt refreshed and said, "I feel like it was all a bad dream and now I feel better!" ....WHEW!

So all of this combined with field trips, rehersals, baking, birthday parties, food parties, pool cleaning, house cleaning...and much more....we've been BUSY again! One thing is for sure....when I see this picture below....ITS ALL WORTH IT!

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers and stand in mothers out there!

A Letter For Kayleigh

Kayleigh's senior project is drawing to a close. We're happy that it's almost over but we're also kind of sad. This journey has been amazing and we've been fortunate enough to meet some new people and get her cookbook out there.

A few weeks ago, she was interviewed for our local paper. We didn't know what would be posted and we through she was going to get a small little blurb in the food section about her book. We were pleasently surprised to find THIS....

She took up the whole front page of the Community News section! It was such a nice artice and we have to thank Mrs. Betty for writing it.

Then yesterday, we dropped by the mailbox to pick up some mail and she had a letter in the box addressed to her from the U.S. Senate. Hmmm....junk mail? As she opened it, I saw that it was a letter addressed directly to her and hand signed. WOWWWWWW!!!

So WHAT did it say???

HOLY COOLBEANS BATMAN!!!!! This is one of most awesome things she's ever recieved!!!!

She's worked hard and put in the hours of dedication and this is very well deserved.

There is still time to get your copy of the book if you haven't gotten it already. Feel free to find the book on Facebook by searching for Confections For A Cause. You can contact us there to get a copy. If you have a copy already, how do you like it? Want to write a review for her? Want to help her push her goal of money raised? We'll ship it to you!!! Check her book out on Facebook....you won't be sorry! (Melissa...we just checked mail and got your check and your book is going in the mail today! Thank you for your support!!!)

Kayleigh is due to present her project on April 23rd and she is holding a contest on the Facebook site. Go check it out and help her grow her fan base!

Much love to you all!

Diabetes Report Card

On March 28, 2012, Kacey had her endo appointment. Yeah, those are the check up's I always dread because it gives us a snapshot of the last 3 months. I wasn't looking forward to this one because I really wasn't sure what her A1c was going to do. Her last one was a 9.5% and she'd had some pretty crappy numbers...300-400-500 range. Sickening! It seemed like none of the changes we made were actually helping and all they could say was "She's growing. She's in puberty. Theres really nothing you can do." It's frustrating to try and control something that is uncontrollable!

That morning, Kacey woke up and had this on edge feeling. I asked her why she was so nervous but she wouldn't say. All she kept saying was, "I just don't like these visits." Was she feeling my stress? Did she really hate these visits? When we got to the hospital, she started getting fidgety. I handed her my iPhone and asked her if she wanted to play a game. She replied with, "I'm too nervous!" I knew there was more to her story but I knew she'd share it when she was ready.

As she weighed in, she was shocked to find out she'd dropped 12 pounds! WOWWW!! I knew she'd thinned out but didn't realize she'd dropped that much. She's been doing Zumba lately and loves it! I've noticed her being more active and really taking note of what she's eating. And then...growth spurt...AGAIN! She's now 5ft. 2.5 in. GEESH! She's officially taller than her sister...heehee! After all of that...the fingerstick for the dreaded A1c and then we were wisked off to the room and handed the clipboard for Kacey to fill in. She always giggles at these questions and tries to come up with something to write. I could still see she was nervous so I said to her, "You know, whatever that number is, you know it's not because you haven't been trying, right?" She nodded. "You know that you've grown, you've lost weight. You're body is changing and there is nothing you can do to control whats going on inside right now." She nodded again and replied, "Thats not why I'm nervous." Hmmmm.... "So what is it then?" She broke into tears and said, "Every March, my birthday month, I know I have to get bloodwork done and pee in a cup and I just don't like it. I wish it was another month because it feels like that is what I get for my birthday each year." ****SIGH**** I hugged her and told her that next year I would try and make the appointment later so it fell in April and she didn't have to feel like that. Geesh....something so simple in my eyes was a BIG deal to her and I felt like crap!

Once she got that off her chest....she seemed to lighten up for a bit.

 Nerves had officially kicked in!

The sheet she has to fill out....ummmm....notice she told him she started her period! EEEK! She didn't wanna tell him that but since she started a long time ago and then it stopped and now it's back, she felt she better tell him. Also glad to know she things she's going a good job with control because SHE IS! :)

Filling out her paperwork for Dr. R

Dr. R came in and to our surprise he was wearing a SMILE! Her A1c was a 8.3%!!!! She was so excited to see that it had dropped and he was pleased with her weight drop as well. He laughed when we teased him about her being almost as tall as him. It was a GREAT visit! But the time had come to go down to the Lab and her anxious self had returned. We slowly mingled down there and waited to be called back. She started to tear up again and I reassured her that I wouldn't make her go back alone. She was confident she could to the pee cup ALONE....haha...as a matter a fact, she did NOT want me in there with her. We hurried around the corner to the lab and we had a really nice nurse that made her feel at ease.

 Little Miss Nervous

 All smiles once she didn't feel the pain anymore

Watching the nurse to everything

Once it was all over, she was fine and she was ready to go for her "treat"! We were walking out and she hugged me and said, "Mommy, you know what I kept saying to myself while we were in there?" I gave her a questionable look, "What?" She smiled and said, "I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength." Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! I couldn't wipe the smile from my face! Thats right baby....you can do ALL things...not some things....not one thing....ALL THINGS! My goodness I love this kid!!! :)

And as promised....we went for Sweet Frogs....the "ice cream that doesn't spike her blood sugar".

As hard as it is to parent a child with diabetes, it's days like this that I'm reminded how thankful we are to just have her.

Dare I?

Dare I even say that things are going RIGHT in our life for once?

Dare I say that Kacey's meter average for the last 14 days is 145?

Dare I say that life seems to be peaceful at this moment?

Dare I?

Well I am! Things just seem to be going...well....GOOD (for once!). With the exception of a few 50-60 lows, Kacey's numbers seem to have settled down and I know I'll probably jinx myself since our Endo appt. is next week...LOL! But I just wanted to boast a little about my new happiness.

So many D-days are filled with trials, challenges and never ending battles, that when you finally seem to have a calm week, you have a chance to smile and thank the D-monster for allowing you a chance to recharge your batteries.

As I sit here and think about this new found peace in my life, I can't help but wonder if it could have been there all along and I chose not to see it? So many times when we're struggling, we choose to focus on the problems instead of giving it to God, right? Why worry? Why hold these feelings inside? Why battle the internal struggles?

Over the last few months, I've had the opportunity to spiritually connect with my daughter. Yeah, sounds funny, huh? And I'm sure you're asking HOW can you live in the same household, go to church on Sundays, yet never spiritually connect? Well it happens! When you don't stay in the Word and talk with your kids about God then there is no way to ever fully connect on that level. I've been blessed to be a part of something very special in Kayleigh's life. I've been witness to her spiritual growth, WITHOUT me directing her. She finally "gets it"! So many things have helped her get to this point. I think the cookbook project she did had a huge impact. She saw first hand how precious life is and how strong faith could be. She also began surrounding herself with friends that were believing the same thing she is. She made a commitment to herself NOT to date any boys over her Senior year and instead focus on school and her business. She got more involved with our church youth group. She's been praying more and keeping a prayer journal. She carries her Bible to school and when there is extra time, she READS it in class! She's maturing and understanding how important it is to read her Bible and talk to God. So in doing that, I've been held accountable as her mother to make sure that I'm able to answer questions she might have and if I don't know the answer then we find them together. That had led to a connection we've never experienced before. It's not a connection I have with Kacey yet because she is still too young to fully understand it all. Thats not a bad thing but it means that when she is finally ready then I will be too! Each day, Kayleigh opens her Bible and writes a verse on a piece of paper and puts it in her pocket. It might be something that was laying on her heart and it might be something out of the blue and later that day God lets her know why she chose that verse (like the Job 9:10 verse for Meri) and then other times it's just a verse and she might not know who or what it's for but God does. She's connected with our pastor's wife and she told her she was reading her Bible from the beginning (which got very difficult when we reached Noah) but she told Kayleigh to dive into the books ending in -IANS and thats a GREAT place to start! She's now found that Phillipians 4:6-7 is now her favorite verse above Proverbs 4:5.

 How true is this? For EVERYTHING we do in life....marriage, parenting, work, diabetes...all of it! Why are we anxious about anything? If we give it to God and let Him take care of it then there is a new found peace. 

So why was I not ready for this? Why didn't I know this verse? Why wasn't this one I had memorized in my memory bank? Because I really hadn't journeyed into my Bible like I should have. I wasn't giving God the time He deserved. I could have used this sooooooo many times in the last 18 years! Over the last year and a half I've been dabbling in my Bible but over the last few months I've devoted the time to God and a new found peace has been my blessing. It's been kinda weird to feel like this because it's a journey I've never taken before. I'm not even sure why it too so long but it's a nice feeling.

I feel like our household is much more peaceful. LOL! Yeah, I know! You're thinking....yeah right! But it really is. My marriage is getting stronger and we're not fussing at one another like we used to. I mean, we fussed over petty things like dirt on the floor, dishes in the sink, who was getting up for 2am checks, clothes not folded right, you know those stupid little things that we nit pick over. We're taking evening walks and even holding hands. We've been talking about the future. We're thinking about selling our house and buying a house with all the bells and whistles that we wanted when we were first starting out back in 1998. We bought our house because of the location and property and then we added on to it but we've outgrown it and it's time for something new. It's been nice to sit together and make that "dream plan" that we did when we were dating. We lay in bed watching TV and we hold hands. We chase one another around the house and laugh and giggle hysterically while our girls watch us and think we're nuts. We're making time to spend together as a family. We're now in a financial position that we can breathe a little. The girls both have STRAIGH A's in school and they're doing great. Diabetes days don't seem all that bad anymore. We deal with the day we're dealt one day at a time. Life just doesn't seem that bad anymore. I don't feel like Dorothy in the tornado....I feel like Glenda in Munchkin Land!

Has it been an easy road? NOWAY! Do I still have a long way to go? ABSOLUTELY! So WHAT happened? WHAT made things change? One thing changed.....we started putting GOD FIRST and everything else has fallen into place.

Now, I'm not saying that we don't have our battles....I'm not trying to say that at all. I'm saying that we're picking and choosing those battles and we let God stand beside us and fight them with us. We're standing strong in faith these days. It's been an uphill battle but we're seeing the top of the hill in sight instead of standing at the bottom and looking up.

And now, a giggle for the day.....

We started something new around the house this week and it seems to be REALLY working! The girls are both responsible for certain chores around the house. We've always said, "If everyone does their little job, then it makes life easier for us all!"  Over the last few months, I've let them slide with the chores and I end up picking up the slack and it's becoming too much again. So we had a "Family Meeting" and I told the girls and hubby that from now on....

For every chore not done, every dish left in the sink and every time the girls argue with one another (which they seem to have that love/hate sibling relationship...ya know the one!) ....so I'm going to charge a quarter for each one. I've got a money jar that counts the change and if they don't do a chore...it's a quarter. If they don't wash their dish...it's a quarter. If they fuss with one another...it's a quarter. They thought it was funny and I told them that they wouldn't get any warnings because they're both old enough to be "responsible" and I don't ask much of them but I do expect them to pull their weight around the house during the week so we're not spending the weekend doing it all. The weekend will be spent doing something fun. We laughed about it for a moment and then I told them to get done what they needed to. I started cooking dinner and when I came out of the kitchen....the laundry was folded, the living room was picked up, their beds were made and rooms picked up and they were both sitting on the floor pairing the socks from the sock basket. YIKES!!! I smiled and thanked them for getting it done. We had dinner and later that evening the girls were watching TV and Kayleigh snapped at Kacey for something and Kacey responded, "Do you want me to make you give Mom a quarter? Don't be mean to me!" Frankie and I were in the other room and we giggled quietly because they were working it out without coming to us and "tattling". And now the deal....on the weekend, if there is less than $2.00 in the jar then Mommy & Daddy will add $20 to it and we can do something fun. If there is more than $2.00 in the jar then Mommy & Daddy will get to take it out and put it in another jar for us to spend. If they chose to keep the $20 in the jar instead of spending it that week, then they could and save it for something big. Good deal, huh? As of last night, the jar is still empty ;)

Have a great weekend!

Good Grief!

As DMoms, we are always looking for support. We long to network with people who "get it", people who understand what we go through daily. Even if we've been doing this for years, it's always refreshing to speak with someone that has those breakdowns, those frustrations, those people we can "do life" with. We're wired to share with others and it certainly helps to have someone that can say, "I've been there, I've done that, and no you're not a freak because you cry all day and you're jealous of those couples that can have a life outside of having a child with a chronic illness." It's hard! And there is no one that struggles with parenting a child with diabetes that will tell you "our life is all rainbows and pots of gold." There are days diabetes life doesn't seem difficult and other days it downright SUCKS!

We're nearing Kacey's 4 year Diabetes Anniversary and it's around this time that I always start thinking back to what we were doing this time before the dreaded day. She was sick, she'd been sick and we didn't know those symptoms. When she was diagnosed, I was alone. I had NO ONE to turn to. Not one single friend completely understood what I was going through. The phrase, "Awww I'm sorry, she'll outgrow it as she gets older" swirled through my head like a raging fire. I actually felt my skin crawl when someone would say that to me. I'd cry, I'd get angry, I'd scream at God for putting my family through this and I'd meltdown like that Wicked Witch of the West on Wizard of Oz. What was my world coming to?

As time passed, I was able to take a step back and I understood completely what I was going through and if I didn't go through the exact process then I'd never "heal" completely. We'd suffered a loss. No matter how you look at it, it's a loss.

A loss of a pancreas. A loss of a life. A loss of a normal day. A loss of a normal marriage. A loss of a healthy child. A loss of money. A loss of self.

I'd never suffered a loss like this. How was I going to deal with it and make my life as normal as it could be under the circumstances?

I had to identify my problem....GRIEF. I was grieving and really not aware that I was. I felt like I'd failed as a mother, as a wife, as a caregiver and I just wanted to crawl in a hole and never come out. The loss was consuming me and I let it beat me around for months. And then....I woke up and started to apply those "stages".

There are 5 stages to GRIEF.

STAGE 1- DENIAL & ISOLATION
Although I wasn't openly denying Kacey had diabetes, I still kept holding hope those those few little beta cells left alive would somehow regenerate and she'd be miraculously cured and this was all a dream. I'd isolated myself from all my friends. Why? You'd think I'd pull them closer so I could lean on them, right? But doing that would be admitting I was weak. It would be admitting I was failing and needed help. I had to show the strong face and walk tall. MISTAKE! I should have drawn them close and let them help carry me and admit my weakness. I set myself up for falling and it led to MANY "Mommy meltdowns".

STAGE 2- ANGER
Ohhhh boy was I ever angry! Angry at myself. Angry with the doctors. Angry with God. I was mean, irritable and it seemed like every little thing set me off. I was miserable! I seemed to cry all the time and I lashed out out of frustration. "Why was God punishing our family? Why did WE have to go through this? What did she do to deserve this suffering?" I was tired. I wanted to give up and just give in but somehow that little voice inside me...maybe that whisper from God...telling me GET YOUR BUTT UP AND MOVE IT! You ARE strong now SHOW it! I pushed through blogging, many times through tears. No one around me seemed to understand, not even my husband. I still felt so alone. There were several around me that tried to understand but until you live it, you can't fully understand what swirls through a DMoms head in a days time and then they wonder WHY we can't sleep. I mean, geesh, we MUST be exhausted after a day of caring for them, right? Ummm....HELL YEAH we're exhausted BUT who is going to get up at 11pm, 2am and 6am to make sure that their child is still breathing? Who is going to get up and sit up when their child has a severe low just to make sure they're in safe range and stay there? Who is going to get up and sit awake when their child's sugar is dangerously high and correct with insulin every 2 hours until they're back in range? A DMOM DOES! I had every right to be angry. I never got a break....NEVER! Even when my husband said he'd do the middle of the night check, I still set my alarm to make sure he woke up and then I'd lay there to make sure he checked her and I'd ask what her sugar was. Otherwise I wouldn't be able to rest. Sure, I didn't physically get out of the bed but I was still awake which led to tiring days again. Yep, I was angry!

STAGE 3- BARGAINING
Yes I did that...MANY TIMES! "God, please put this on me and don't make her suffer through it. I will do anything to take it away." "Maybe if we choose no carb meals or low carb meals then she won't need so much insulin and she won't have to have a shot." "I promise to do anything if you just cure her God." I did my fair share of pleading, begging, bargaining, whatever you want to call it. I would do just about anything to take this away from her and get our "normal" life back. And then the part where I blamed myself. "If only I'd seen the symptoms sooner", "If only I'd taken her to the emergency room", "If only I'd saw that she was drinking way too much". The "If only's" flooded my brain and consumed me. Which then led to....

STAGE 4- DEPRESSION
If you'd asked me then if I was depressed, I'd say "Nope!" and smile like it didn't bother me but inside it tore me up and inside out. I was depressed and still very angry. To the point that I probably could have easily been medicated if I'd sought help. With depression comes so many things....in my case....the weight gain was the worst. I sat home, didn't eat and when I did it was a snack of something unhealthy and I was damaging my body inside. The weight creeped up and to the point it was out of control. I tipped the scales at my highest weight ever and it wasn't until I really had a reality smack that I saw what it was doing to me. I'm not going to say that I still don't suffer from some of it but I will say that the depression I had was NOTHING like today. I was miserable, alone, and at my lowest point ever in life. I felt like every single bit of life had been sucked out of me. Ya ever see the commercial from the depression medication where the lady is walking around and the black hole with eyes follows her? Or the one where she is wearing the blue robe with the sad eyes and she's carrying around the weight of everything on her shoulders? Yep! That was me! I felt like I was carrying the burdens of this disease and I had NO life and I'd completely stopped living mine. It was a nasty dark place in my life.

STAGE 5- ACCEPTANCE
Many times it takes people years to make it to this stage of the grieving process. It's tough to accept and sometimes people don't ever make it to this stage. Thankfully I have. Grieving is such an individual experience and no one can ever fully feel what you do. Nobody can help you go through it more easily or understand all the emotions that you’re going through. But others can be there for you and help comfort you through this whole process. The best thing you can do is to allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes over you. Resisting it only will prolong the natural process of healing. The steps to grieving are always the same but the emotions one feels will not be. I'm not sure when I totally accepted everything but there came a time when those meltdowns were not every day. Our life became a new "normal". I gained the ability to trust that someone other than me could take care of Kacey. I was able to leave and go to the grocery store for a few hours and not worry. I started making friends again and pulling them close. My REAL and TRUE friends tried to understand my daily life, sympathisized with what I was dealing with, understood when I had to cancel plans at the last minute and still loved me anyway. Those friends are still by my side to this day. They didn't leave me, they called to make sure we were ok after a few days of not hearing from us and even though I can't see them every single day, they're there when I need them.

And as I think back through the process, I wonder how I ever made it through? I had amazing family support, a great group of friends and the one who never left my side....GOD! He was there holding my hand when we were given the diagnosis. He stood there and smiled as I screamed at him for putting us through this. He cried with me as I pleaded and begged Him to give this disease to me. Yet, I chose to walk alone. I didn't have to! I only thought I was alone. He was there with me every single step of the way and all I had to do was ask Him to come into my life and help me through this process. Once I did that, my faith is what got me through. I needed Him and He was there. And if I'd opened my ears I'd of heard Him, "My child, I'm not doing this to punish you or Kacey. I'm making you stronger. I'm growing you in faith and knowledge. I'm helping you to see that life could be MUCH worse. I'm making you more compassionate, helpful and loving. If only you could see youself the way I see you. If only you could understand YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I am here, I never left and I never will."

And that my friends, was my turning point.

Now, I'm not going to sit here and say that our life is full of rainbows, pots of gold, unicorns and glitter....IT'S NOT! But I've accepted this life God gave me. I thank him for every day I wake up and put my feet on the floor. I thank him for giving me another day with these babies that are on "loan" to me. At any second, He could take all of that way from me. As Francesca says...."In the middle of my little mess, I forget how big I'm blessed!" We all tend to forget that life is so precious and we tend to dwell on the "poor me". I'm here to tell you my friend, this life is not about YOU! This life is about living it for HIM!

Now back to my point, we all need friends. We all need people we can "do life" with, people that are walking similar paths we are. People that can hold us accountable and hold our hands when we need it, even if it's long distance. When I first started blogging when Kacey was diagnosed, I had NO ONE! Then I found the DOC and all my DMamas and DPeeps. They "got it"! They understood why my hair was a mess, my teeth weren't brushed and I walked around like a Zombie with a cuppa coffee. I had the chance to be upheld by many wonerful people on here. I didn't have a local support group. There just weren't any close by since the hospital is an hour and a half away. There were a few kids in other schools, all boys and no Mamas that really wanted to "do diabetes life" with me. I've always longed to have a group of friends that Kacey could call her "DPeeps" and they could show off pumps and share stories of what they've been through. My hope is that as more children are diagnosed with this dreaded disease, that more Mamas come forward and reach out. My journey with diabetes is not over, we have good days, we have bad days and there are still times I wanna reach out to other DMamas that know those struggles and feel that pain. So to all those local Mamas that read this....let's get together and "do diabetes life". We can support one another along the way and our kids can be support to one another. After all, THEY are the ones that need it most. We go through it with them but unless you're a T1D yourself, you can't ever fully feel what their poor bodies do in a days time.

May God bless each of you as you journey through your "process" and may we all be support and help for those out there who need it!

Lotsa Love,