Monday, August 12, 2013

Who Cares?

What do you do when you have so much to say and no place to say it?

My head is a whirlwind and I've got feelings I need to pour out and I've thought about making my blog private to put everything I want to say out there. I've thought about starting a new blog so I can say what I want without certain people having access to what I say but since I know this blog is "closely monitored" by certain people then I will have to keep my thought to myself this time. I'm stupid for ever sharing this blog on my Facebook or ever mentioning that I write to vent. Ever since the drama that happened with it, I've never felt like I could share what I really want to say....those raw feelings we all have as Moms, Wives, Sisters and Friends. Why do I care what anyone thinks? Why should I worry that what I say would cause a war amoung friends and family? Because I'm me....thats why! I try and keep as much peace as I can before blowing and this bottle is ready to burst.

Diabetes....a life we didn't choose but a life we were given. It's a life that NO ONE can completely understand unless you are faced with it. It's a life that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. The daily footsteps we make in this life are sometimes the most difficult to walk with those who just "don't get it"! It infuriates me when someone judges me based on a Facebook post or based on something told to them. "Oh, it's just diabetes! It's not like your child has cancer and is facing death." Ummmm....my child faces death straight in the eyes EVERY SINGLE DAY! I still hold my breath as I walk from my room to hers at 2am to do those middle of the night checks. I still hold my breath when I walk from my room to hers when I wake her up in the morning. Why do I hold my breath? Because I'm so freaking scared to death that I am going to be the one to find my child dead one morning. Because I'm the one who is scared that her pump is going to malfunction and not give her the insulin she needs to survive the night or that it might burst and give her too much insulin that could potentially kill her. YES, friends....IT SCARES THE HOLY HECK OUT OF ME! I worry...ALL THE TIME! This person doesn't have to worry about their kids. You child may have had a surgery or two, and when that surgery is over then your child is well again. A surgery won't make my child better. Nothing but a CURE will! So yes, it IS like she is facing cancer!  She DOES face death. One wrong move and her life could slip away in a single instant. It's so hard to get some people to understand why you're so overprotective and why you've become a helicopter parent. I am the one that keeps her ALIVE! I'm the one walking around with numbers jumbling in my head as we SWAG (scientific wild ass guess) the carbs in meals we have no carb count for. How would YOU feel if YOU had to count the carbs for every single thing that went into your child's mouth? Yes....EVERY SINGLE THING! That means....that mint, that gum, that handful of goldfish, those two cookies, and even those few fries you gave him/her... EVERY SINGLE THING! And on top of that, do you know how many carbs are in the 5 fries you just gave your child? How about that huge ice cream sundae you just made? Or what about that piece of birthday cake? Yep! Diabetes doesn't sleep so even at your child's birthday party you have to stop, make them test their blood sugar and then decide if he/she can have that big piece of cake or that small piece. How about that big Thanksgiving dinner that your child just asked for seconds on? It SUCKS! Everything about diabetes SUCKS...ok well maybe not everything because I've met some of the most amazing and generous D-Moms around. Yeah, they get it! They know what it's like to worry and be frustrated when those around us don't understand. They are the reason I am here because I would of made this blog private so no one could ever view it again but THEY CARE! So if you want to continue on your daily life of judging me then that is fine but I can only hope and pray the genetics are in your favor and that your busy healthy life isn't affected by the diabetes gremlins. I hope and pray you are never faced with the daily life struggles and the worry that we have.

How do you deal with others making diabetes seem like a head cold? Do you just ignore them? Do you educate them? Do you take those emotions and internalize them rather than vent on Facebook? Do you blog them?

That being said, it's only a few weeks til school starts and I'm getting a little nervous. We're off to a new school and a new nurse. So this means we are faced with teaching others about diabetes and Kacey's care. It's going to be a challege but I am confident it's one we can handle. Look out 8th grade...here we come!


2 comments:

Lora said...

Judgmental people suck!!! You should totally start a new blog... go all stealth. :) You could PM a bunch of us on FB and we will follow you.

How to deal with those that don't get it... screw em!?!?! I have to admit I internalize a lot, but I know I didn't "get it" before Justin was dx'd either - so how can I expect anyone else to. Family is the hardest, I think. They SHOULD get it.

Hang in there girl, you are not alone... I hold my breath too. :(

Sandy said...

This post is my life in the fact that people judge me (and him) for worrying too much and for me hovering over him. and then they use MY BLOG to judge me more. But I dont want to make my blog private because I love people like you in the DOC. It has really made me use my blog less. I have even went as far as to changing the URL of my blog but they ended up finding it :( keep on writing :)