Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Guilt

Seems like everytime I open my blog to write, I get this overwhelming feeling and I shut it. Why? Guilt? Yeah, I guess so. I feel guilty for not journaling for Kacey. I feel guilty for not journaling for my piece of mind. It sometimes overwhelms me to the point that I'm really sad about not being here much anymore. I know the blogs around me continue forward. I see what everyone is doing and then I feel even more guilt. I just can't seem to shake myself out of this funk I'm in about writing. It used to come so easy. There was so much to say and so much to ask. Now it just feels like we're just "living life". This is the normal that we've settled into and I'm ok but just sad that I feel that I'm missing out around me. I miss my support group of D-Moms. I miss knowing what everyone is doing. I miss all the daily struggles everyone is going through. That ends up causing more guilt. I feel like a bad friend...a bad D-mom...a bad advocate. Yeah I know...it's just a phase and in just a few months I will have plenty to write about when Kacey starts middle school. SHould I feel guilty that diabetes doesn't consume our lives anymore? I think I hit a wall where I kinda said "Diabetes you DO NOT win!" and we just deal with things as they come and move forward. I got the brochure for the JDRF walk in the mail and I ended up feeling guilty all over again. I slid it under some papers and just forgot about it. Now I've got family & friends asking if we're doing it again this year. I'm not in a denial stage but I've just gotta get out of this funk. Guilt! Guilt! Guilt! It's a nasty feeling and I continue to pray that just because I'm not advocating and making diabetes the first thing I think about...I wont be frowned upon.

Last week was another one of those sad milestone moments as a Mommy. I took Kayleigh for her SENIOR pictures. Can you believe it? The trials and tribulations of the senior year have arrived. We're hitting them head on and Kayleigh is very excited for what is in store this year. The package for pictures arrived in the mail a couple weeks ago. Packages...Platinum? Gold? Silver? And they're HOW much? $55 just for a sitting fee...YIKES! We should be getting the proofs in the mail soon.

The realization has finally set in that we're almost a month away from school starting. I still have not met with the nurse...the principal....the teachers. I get some swirling butterflies when I think about it. I have this scared feeling inside about her being so far away. Her other school was 5 miles from our house and I could be there in 10min. We decided to take a drive a few weeks ago to see how far her new school is away from our house. Its alittle over miles and takes 27 minutes if you go the speed limit. Whew! That throws a monkey wrench into things and we're going to have to be well prepared for any curve ball that gets thrown at us. Another thing I thought about...for the last 3 years, I've driven her to school and picked her up every day. My gas bill is going to double now! I thought about letting her ride the school bus but then we're looking at more issues and she has to be on the bus for an hour in the morning and an hour in the afternoon. I just can't take that risk! I started getting her packets ready for the teachers so we're prepared when we meet them on August 30th for Back to School night.

Please know I think about you all daily. I'm still reading on Facebook, even though I may not post to everything I see. Love you all bunches!!

3 comments:

Shannon@ The New Normal Life said...

oh sweetie I understand 100%. You shouldnt feel guilty at all a lot of us have been taking blogcations this summer! You are there we know it and we are here for you too... ps about denial?? My son isnt even registered for K yet.. we dont even know what city we will be living in... you got plenty of time. Enjoy this time with the girls and keep not letting D win.. IT IS OKAY! we will be there sat at the kick off if you come :)

Lora said...

You should NOT feel guilty at all. Life has to come first.

I do know what you mean about sitting down to write and then closing it... I do that a lot because either I can't get it to make sense or I think someone will baker act me if I do.

You should know that YOU are the reason many of us are here today. I spent 10 months alone and then I found your blog. Tou were even my first comment ever; I an truly grateful for you leading the way and showing me that I am NEVER alone.

We love you and we will be here when you come back.

Hallie said...

Guilt. I know it well. I feel guilty about everything, it seems.

Yours was the first Mommy blog I found where I felt "same". Someone else with a young daughter. Someone who gets it. It's ok to take a break. Really. Go easy on yourself!! And we will be here whenever you come to visit!!