Slump

I'm still in a bit of a diabetes slump. I can't help but sit here and think in the back of my head that we're facing the beginning of another T1 diagnosis. Yeah, I know it's pretty dang awful to think that way but I can't help it.

Kay is still bouncing around between 50-180. Yesterday, we went to the Christmas parade and we were standing there and she said "Mom, I feel like I'm gonna throw up!" I know she's nervous and upset over going low so I told her to stop thinking about it because she was gonna make herself even more sick and she was fine because she'd had a snack already! She snapped back at me and said, "I am NOT faking it! It's NOT in my head! I'm not making myself sick on purpose!" She then walked over and sat down on a bench to test her blood sugar. The result... 77 ...ONE HOUR after eating! She ate a pack of gummies that she had stashed in her purse and looked up at me with tears in her eyes. DAMMIT! I feel so bad for her! With her lip quivering she said, "See! I told you it wasn't all in my head!" After 15 minutes she was a 164. **sigh** She seemed fine the rest of the evening. She went to bed at a 102.

On Friday, I called her doctor back. It's still eating away at my Mommy gut and I have to know if that A1c has changed any. I had them look up the last one so I knew for sure what it was...5.6% was right. So if normal is 4.5-6.0% then she was at the higher end of normal 2 YEARS ago! So for peace of mind...we're requesting it to be done again. I know, the number isn't a definate...but I'd at least know if it's gone up! Waiting is the worst part! I picked up some more glucose tabs this weekend and as I stood there, I saw the test at home A1c kit. I was sooooo close to grabbing it but I held back.

The reality of what is happening finally hit Kacey yesterday. She was riding with me to the store and she looked over at me with a concerned look on her face and said, "Mom, I don't want Sissy to have diabetes." and she busted into tears. I couldn't control my tears at that point either! I took her hand and said "I don't want her to have diabetes either and she doesn't have diabetes right now. She only has a problem with going low but if this turns into that then we BOTH know how to take care of her and I know she will need you!"

This is such an awful feeling! It's awful sitting here wondering if we're facing the same thing we do daily with Kacey. It's awful knowing that we know something is wrong. It's awful that I have to watch both of my girls live in fear because of this damn disease. It's awful that the worry is stealing my hours of sleep, it's stealing my happy days and it's absorbing my thoughts the way it did when Kacey was first diagnosed.

I keep repeating over and over....Give It To God! I spend quite a bit of time praying for others around me and I've found that lately I've neglected asking for prayers for myself. I need to keep myself strong in faith during times like this.

I just have so may unanswered questions and so many thoughts swirling through my head. We've been doing this 2.5 years now and I feel like I'm back at square one! Could it be? Can we handle it? How will we do it? If it's just hypoglycemia then why is she having some high numbers too? How high is normal? How low is normal? Do we treat the same way we do with Kacey? Do I get her an Endo appt for this? Should we seek a second opinion? Do hormones alone cause all this mess? I think I need a file box in my brain for all this stuff!!

Please bear with me while I whine, complain, cry and try and sort all these feelings!