Basal Changes & Emotions

I just got an email back from Kacey's CDE and we had to make our first basal changes since starting the pump. She's getting more insulin (0.5 u) in the 12am-4am block and the 4am-8am block. Since she's not been as active as she was at school, her morning numbers have been on the high side. She's also been high during the night and we've been having to do middle of the night corrections. I'll be a ball of nerves tonight! Making those changes have put my nerves on edge because if she decides to be active then we're going to be battling lows. But I trust our Endo and our CDE and they see a consistent pattern so the changes were made :)

Talked to Kayleigh today! Yesterday she went to the Dole Pineapple Plantation and to North Shore. She was so excited because those were 2 things that she hadn't marked in her book and she got to do them. Today she has gone snorkeling in Hanauma Bay. It must have been an amazing adrenalin rush for her because she called me and her mouth was going a mile a minute! This whole process of her being gone was definately something she needed. It's been hard on me but I know it's something she needed to do and it's been such a positive experience for her.

Being 14 years old, she should feel safe to leave home for longer than a night. But in Kayleigh's case, she's not been able to do that. When she was only a year old, I split from her bio-dad. He got her every other weekend and then eventually he got 2 full weeks in the summer. Kayleigh was way too young to understand what was happening and when she'd cry to come home to me, she couldn't. This took a terrible toll on her and she's always had this fear to leave for more than overnight. She will always ask me before she goes overnight with anyone, "Mommy will you come get me if I want to come home early?" As a parent, this throws daggers in my heart because at 14 years old, she STILL has to have that reassurance that I'm going to come and get her. When she'd cry to come home when she was little, she was made to stay (not by my choice). I can still hear her crying on the phone asking to come home and me having to say "I can't come and get you." Of course she understands now, that it wasn't because I didn't want to...it was because by court order I couldn't! So we had some serious talks before she left because this was going to be the longest she'd ever been away and it was going to be another time when she couldn't call home and ask me to come pick her up (not to say I wouldn't hop a plane to go get her if something was wrong) but she had to understand that if she went then she was going for 7 weeks. She was too excited to realize how long 7 weeks was really going to be but I knew in my heart this was the right thing for her to overcome that anxiety she'd harbored for the last 10+ years. I knew she was going to be safe with my brother and that's what has helped me get through this easier. You see, I had the same anxiety. Those same feelings I felt over 10 years ago...my baby going away and I couldn't just drive to get her if she wanted me! That rush of emotions came over me and this has also forced me to push past them. So it's good for both of us. I also got some very exciting news yesterday. My brother was apporved for military leave until July 6th! This means, even though Kayleigh is there to be a nanny to his kids, he is off work until then and when my Mom leaves to fly back here tomorrow, then Kayleigh will be able to continue the "tourist" kinds of things with my brother until the 6th!! I'm so excited for her :) I'm thankful to my brother for giving her this opportunity to grow as a person and thank you God for giving me the power to be able to overcome those terrible feelings I've held inside for so long. I've had lots of tears and prayers this last week!

Only 6 more weeks to go :)